The Struggles of Intimacy and Disability

(This article discusses some mature themes. Counselling services are available for anyone affected by the issues in this piece.)

Intimate relationships are tough for anyone to discuss. But when you’re disabled, common interpersonal problems morph into a sea of difficulties which can affect you physically, emotionally, sexually, and psychologically. Although this is something which many disabled individuals experience, little research is conducted on the subject: often because medical needs are perceived as ‘more important’ topics of study. 

Dr Kirsty Liddiard’s Groundbreaking Study

Noting this inequality, Dr Kirsty Liddiard (a researcher at the University of Sheffield) conducted a study in 2019 into the intimate lives of 25 disabled people and one non-disabled partner in a joint interview. The group was a mixture of men and women, all of whom were in heterosexual relationships, and with only one person in a relationship with another disabled person. Dr Liddiard interviewed these participants by asking them questions about their romantic relationships. She then used a ‘thematic’ analysis to identify common themes and ideas across these interviews. Through this, Dr Liddiard found that many disabled people identify different kinds of additional ‘work’ they need to do in intimate relationships (and in other contexts, such as the workplace). Here, ‘work’ refers to emotional, psychological, and physical labour: for instance, giving emotional support to a partner who is providing subpar care.

Disabled Backgrounds

It’s important to note that the different backgrounds of each participant informed different responses. Some participants had congenital disabilities (present since birth); some had congenital disabilities which didn’t present until later on, and some had acquired disabilities later in life. Although all participants said that being in a relationship had positive benefits, some expressed unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Some participants (largely those with congenital disabilities) reported low self-esteem and self-confidence, both physically and sexually. Because of this, participants reported that relationships felt ‘out of reach’ for them as disabled people. Many viewed their current or past partners as their ‘only opportunity’ to have a relationship, and expressed resentment at their perceived lack of choice. In addition, participants reported often feeling isolated and marginalised, some living alone without friends/family or rarely going out to socialise.

Care in Disabled Relationships

For many participants, care was something offered by partners and perceived as something to ‘put up with’. Participants shared that they often questioned their roles in a relationship when they were unable to fulfil their partner’s needs emotionally and sexually, especially in the context of heteronormative relationships. Some participants felt there was a great deal of emotional labour in teaching a partner how to care properly. Others said they often had to smile through ‘bad care’ and manage their non-disabled partner’s anxieties around their illness. Women especially felt they needed to ‘make up’ for being disabled, and some mentioned performing acts they weren’t entirely comfortable in order to ‘compensate’. This gendered aspect to disabled intimacy was also mentioned in how many took pains to hide their bodily differences through lighting and clothing.

Psychosocial Disablism

These challenges all required a significant amount of skill, patience and knowledge to achieve. Because of this, participants in this study identified themselves as intelligent ‘workers’, performing work which is valued in non-disabled people even in non-work spaces. Throughout the study, participants devalued themselves and reported low self-worth, low self-esteem, poor body confidence, and feelings of inadequacy. Dr. Liddiard argues that the work performed by participants within their relationships is a form of psychosocial disablism (a type of social and psychological discrimination against disabled people), and one which is not expected of non-disabled individuals. 

Overview

The findings of this study aligned with recent feminist contributions to disability studies. ‘Performing’ gratitude through intimacy and feeling trapped and worthless are not things which any person should experience, but the way society presently views and excludes disabled individuals necessitates the performance. It is our hope that as studies like this illuminate little-discussed aspects of the disabled experience, we can begin to challenge the things disabled individuals feel they need to do in order to be perceived as human. 

Written by Quinn Clark

Sources Cited:

Liddiard, K. (2013). The work of disabled identities in intimate relationships. Disability & Society, 29(1), 115–128. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2013.776486